A-Wall

Yeah I kinda disappeared for a while so here's a quick update on my life:  I have been accepted to surgical assisting school, I was asked to be on the spine team at work so I've been learning A LOT!  Scott and I are still on our baby journey, we've had two miscarriages but know we can get pregnant!  Praise God.  And we are still enjoying the last frontier of Alaska!  

Work is tough and busy and school even more so, but I'm looking forward to the next year and what it will bring for my career!  Very exciting times :).  

Also I've begun worship leading here and there at church and I LOVE IT.  Worshiping God is AHHHMAZING!   More to come later!

I am 5%

What does s number like 5 represent? It could represent something very good or not so good. But I guess that all depends on your perspective. This number is one I heard from my doctor last week. And I guess I didn't really hear that number I heard the rest:

"Ashliegh, 95% of people at your age trying to conceive would have been successful by now."

It broke my heart when I heard it and I couldn't get those words out of my head. I felt like reality had just slapped me across the face. And it took me a couple days to recover. I felt bad initially because I called a friend in tears right after and bombarded her with the news, but I knew she would understand. She gave me great advice and I am so thankful for her.

In the following days instead of seeing my 5% as gut wrenching I saw it as a challenge. One of which may be great. Here's my thought, God is capable of anything. He really doesn't even need my five percent. But what a great testimony that God is faithful. I am trusting in Him against all odds. Against 95% of what is "suppose to be". I am publicly giving God the opportunity to do a miracle in my life.

"God the five percent is yours. All I have is yours. Thank you for taking this from me. I realize I am not strong enough to carry it myself anymore. I've learned to trust you on a whole new level. Thank you for your provision, your love and most of all your comfort. I love you."

So I ask the question again, what does a number like 5 represent? Like before, it's all a matter of perspective. ;)

My Sarah Moment

I've never really had something like this happen to me before.  I'm a pretty ordinary person.  Nothing too "special" and I don't really stand out in any specific way.  So I guess that's why I thought that when I prayed for my "Sarah Moment" I didn't think it would actually happen.

About two and a half weeks ago I was reading the story of Abraham and Sarah in the Bible.  I was reading in Genesis 18:10-14 which says, Then one of them said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.” ¹⁰ Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. ¹¹ Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. ¹² So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?” ¹³ Then the LORD said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ ¹⁴ Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.” 

When I read this passage I thought to myself, "Lord, why can't you do this for me?  Why can't you give me a 'Sarah Moment' and just come down and tell me when you will give me a child?"  The more I thought about it I got frustrated.  So I prayed, I prayed that God would give me a Sarah Moment.  In my prayer I had little faith.  I'm ashamed to admit it but I did.  I really didn't think God would give me that moment.  I figured that even though I had been patient that patience was still ahead, and therefor he wouldn't give me that moment. 

A few days later I received an email from a coworker.  She's a wonderful woman and a great pleasure to work with.  She sent me a message and here's what it said:

I had a dream or whatever you want to call it....about you. I am supposed to pray with you and with that said, you are pregnant.  Now, this has only happened to me one other time, and that was _____ in (another department). I dreamed she was pregnant with a baby girl.  She had tried for 8 years to get pregnant....and when I told her of the dream within a short period of time she was pregnant and did give birth to a baby girl. But, as weird as this is, it is very clear to me that we were to pray together with our hands on your tummy....so, wasn't going tell you as it sounds so weird....but, it seems that I am supposed to tell you.....love you little girl....cant wait to see you with child... 

Now I am not pregnant yet but here's the crazy thing.  I did meet up with my coworker today to pray with her.  We sat down and talked about the mighty hand of God and how great He is.  She didn't even know that I was trying to get pregnant.  All she knew about me was my name, where I worked and that I was married.  She didn't even know if I was a believer or not!  So we did indeed pray and she laid her hands on me.  After her prayer I feel so uplifted.  I really do feel the providence of God in my situation.  

As Scott and I have struggled with infertility I have prayed that this story and our struggle would be a testimony to God.  That through this people's faith could grow and others would see how great God really is.  I am so thankful now because I do see it.  My coworker told me her faith has been lifted and strengthened by this situation.  My faith and Scott's faith is stronger because of this.  I am so blessed because of infertility and this situation.  I honestly never thought I would or even could say that.  I never thought infertility could be a blessing!  But it truly has been.  Today I saw the providence of God and what he can do with a mustard seed of faith!  

Praise God for my coworker.  Thank you for being obedient to His word and work in your life.  Thank you Jesus for answering my prayer in the perfect time.  We now can expectantly wait for the Amen in our situation.  I do believe our miracle baby is on it's way very soon!  I am not pregnant yet but I think I will be soon, and in God's timing of course! 

The 90 Day "Pruning"

Okay, to be honest, I didn't really want to do this.  I've decided, well, God's decided and I'm listening :-/, to do a 90 Day Prune.  I came across a reading plan on my iPhone to read through the Bible in 90 days and I've committed to it.  Also, during these 90 days I'm not going to pray for a baby, or pregnancy, or direction for adoption vs. conception, I'm just going to read the Bible, pray, and seek God.  A great woman who I admire very much came up to me today and affirmed that I needed to do this.  I know she was very nervous about giving me that word but I can't tell you how much I needed it!

So, along with reading my Bible in 90 days, praying, and seeking God, I'm going to make a commitment to work out as much as I can and eat as healthy as I can.  God gave me this body both physically and spiritually and it should be treated as a temple.  So, to jump start this process I begin with the 90 Days of Pruning.  I came up with the title from John 15: 1-17.

 Jesus, the True Vine

15 “I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener.  2 He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more.  3 You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you.  4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.

 5 “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.  6 Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned.  7 But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted!  8 When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.

 9 “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love.  10 When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love.  11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!  12 This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.  13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  14 You are my friends if you do what I command.  15 I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me.  16 You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name.  17 This is my command: Love each other.

Just as Abraham was willing to give Isaac as a sacrifice to God, I pray that I may give my desire to him and all that's within me so my only focus will be him.  A great man said recently, "There is only one person worth living for, and that person is Jesus Christ." -(Scott Levesque, my amazing husband)  I will try and blog through this process as much as I can so you can catch up on how things are going.

As a side note, we recently saw Dr. Anderson who informed us that I don't ovulate on a regular basis.  He prescribed medication which I have decided NOT to take during the next 90 days.  I do believe that God can work through medicine, but I want him to work through me first. 

The Wilderness

I don't really know how to put into words where I'm at in my walk with God.  I can tell you that the past year has been one of the most challenging times in my life.  My biggest fear growing up was not being able to have children.  In facing that fear over the past year it has led me to examine my life and grow in my relationship with God.  This week in itself I have realized for the first time I don't have the strength in myself to understand or to deal with life in general.  God doesn't give us things that we can't handle.  This is true.  But I think the phrase needs to be extended...God doesn't give us anything we can't handle without Him.  What I'm realizing more and more is I am useless without Him.  My dependency on God needs to be like my dependency on air.  My very breath is not as important as my steps with God.  

From here on out I will be using this blog as my S.O.A.P. journal.  This is my first journal entry and I find it all too fitting it starts in Job.  Today the assignment was only for Job 18 but I found myself too hooked on the word and read Job 1-22.  Here are the scriptures that stood out to me.

Job 11:13-18 - "Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame, you will stand firm without fear.  You will surely forget about your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by.  Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning.  You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take rest in safety."

This really challenges me to surrender everything within me and give that to God.  Now I can write that and it sounds eloquent and righteous but it's not easy.  It requires much faith and trust.  It requires me a type A- handle everything by myself person, to let God take control.  But, in doing that and casting away my sins I get to stand firm without fear.  Without fear of being childless.  Without fear of never holding my baby.  And surely then I will forget about my trouble and life will become brighter.  And in this wilderness the word "brighter" is so refreshing to me.

Job 22:21-26 - "Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you.  Accept instruction from His mouth and lay up his words in your heart.  If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored:  If you remove wickedness far from your tent and assign your nuggets to the dust, your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, then the Almighty will be your gold, the choicest silver for you.  Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty and will lift your face to God."

The biggest thing for me in this passage is turning my desires of what I want away.  Instead of being focused on my "gold" in life: having a baby, I need to focus on God first.  This is so hard when what I want is natural and good.  But even something natural and good can be a distraction to our commitment to God.  I will admit my desire for a child has undoubtedly shadowed my walk with God.  It has consumed my time with research on infertility and adoption.  And in this my time in the word was minimal.  

My prayer through this first day and on is that I would turn my eyes away from my desires and make my desire God.  That I would find delight in Him and become more understanding of this wilderness time.  I know he is pruning me and shaping me for the next season in my life.  I pray for peace and patience during this time and for discernment as this season continues.  I pray for strength as I give my desires to God that instead of being afraid and completely freaked out (which right now I am) that He would bring me comfort.  That instead of my time being devoted to research of my problem, that I would put my time into studying the word and gaining wisdom in Christ.  And as I do that my "problem" (infertility) would bring much fruit and ministry.  In Jesus name, Amen.

True Strength

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

I don't know said this originally but it really explains "true strength".  Sometimes when we face trials and tribulations the first thing that crosses our mind is to give up.  Throw the towel in and say, "I'm not doing this anymore."  But I like to think of trials in a different light.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6"

God is always with us not matter what we are going through.  And most of the time I have to remind myself of this.  When I was younger there was this one thing that I was afraid to face as an adult.  A problem and challenge I never wanted to experience.  In my adult life I have faced this.  I have yet to come out on the other side but I trust that I will.  And in that trusting in God I feel that's where we find the strength to carry on and not "fall apart".  Don't get me wrong though, I have my moments of frustration and sadness and I still think that's okay.  It's what we do after that matters.