I don't really know how to put into words where I'm at in my walk with God. I can tell you that the past year has been one of the most challenging times in my life. My biggest fear growing up was not being able to have children. In facing that fear over the past year it has led me to examine my life and grow in my relationship with God. This week in itself I have realized for the first time I don't have the strength in myself to understand or to deal with life in general. God doesn't give us things that we can't handle. This is true. But I think the phrase needs to be extended...God doesn't give us anything we can't handle without Him. What I'm realizing more and more is I am useless without Him. My dependency on God needs to be like my dependency on air. My very breath is not as important as my steps with God.
From here on out I will be using this blog as my S.O.A.P. journal. This is my first journal entry and I find it all too fitting it starts in Job. Today the assignment was only for Job 18 but I found myself too hooked on the word and read Job 1-22. Here are the scriptures that stood out to me.
Job 11:13-18 - "Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame, you will stand firm without fear. You will surely forget about your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take rest in safety."
This really challenges me to surrender everything within me and give that to God. Now I can write that and it sounds eloquent and righteous but it's not easy. It requires much faith and trust. It requires me a type A- handle everything by myself person, to let God take control. But, in doing that and casting away my sins I get to stand firm without fear. Without fear of being childless. Without fear of never holding my baby. And surely then I will forget about my trouble and life will become brighter. And in this wilderness the word "brighter" is so refreshing to me.
Job 22:21-26 - "Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from His mouth and lay up his words in your heart. If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: If you remove wickedness far from your tent and assign your nuggets to the dust, your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, then the Almighty will be your gold, the choicest silver for you. Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty and will lift your face to God."
The biggest thing for me in this passage is turning my desires of what I want away. Instead of being focused on my "gold" in life: having a baby, I need to focus on God first. This is so hard when what I want is natural and good. But even something natural and good can be a distraction to our commitment to God. I will admit my desire for a child has undoubtedly shadowed my walk with God. It has consumed my time with research on infertility and adoption. And in this my time in the word was minimal.
